janini’s lair

First day or work after the Christmas "break"… And its raining…

Feels to sleepy to go to work wherein all day long I’ll stare at the monitor and luckily get some admin works to do. Not that I’m complaining, I could actually make use of this to rest from months of hitting several deployments for recruitment. I just thought that we’re all forced to be here, using company resources of course, yet deep inside most of us want us to stay with our dear loved-ones. Yuletide season is still around and for some reason, influences some people to think of things the will usually avoid to think.

This morning, again with those thoughts. Just realized that I’ve already been here for 4 months. Quite short but feels like I’ve been here longer. Must have been the Saturdays. In any case, conflict of interests dwells within. It’s so hard to decide when you’re really left with nothing. I’m praying for divine intervention. If not today, mayber tomorrow.

Again I’m trying to convince myself that it’s just the holiday season causing these thoughts to resurface.. ‘Cause there is still 2 months to go. 2 months of hitting the floor and banging my head on the wall. 2 months of the never-ending patinteros. Hmmmm…

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Sometimes everbody seems to be speaking in a foreign language or something. It feels so ill to be in such a crossroad. There are avenues waiting but I’m not equipped. Or I may just seem to think so. Need I be cautious or should I just take the risk?

And sometimes, I just want to have things that are a little out of my league. Its an irony that even in our dreams, status-quo could still influence us. Its inescapable. Its forever lurking.

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The world sometimes makes me want to scream. Scream in terror and angst. Scream because its so unfair and oppressive.

But I don’t have to do that because when I hit the sack, I need only one reason to continue.

No matter how flustered or troubled I may feel..

No matter how confusing the world gets or how crazy others appear. I only need one reason to stand-up and get back on track. Ü

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***an axiom refers to a sentence or proposition that is not proved or demonstrated and is considered as self-evident or as an initial necessary consensus for a theory building or acceptation. Therefore, it is taken for granted as true, and serves as a starting point for deducing and inferencing other (theory dependent) truths.

Reference: http://www.reference.com/browse/wiki/Axiom

"Stop making promises when you’re just gonna break them anyway."

yes.it could be plainly and simply stated like that. it sounds cliche the way it is.but its how I want it to be.

Though I thought you’ll be different, to err is human and so I forgave you. Once, twice and so on..But I reached my point of exhaustion. You’re on your own now, because you’re old enough to decide for yourself.

Is it too much to ask?

So I’ll just leave the issue because I’m really tired  meddling with it. How You break your promises is one thing that really pains me. I’ll just stay here and wait that you realize what needs to be done.

Stop.

Because there are some things that should not be tackled anymore. For it just impedes what should be done.

Because your just causing the hour to burn without any resolution.

"Practice what you preach."

yes.it could be plainly and simply stated like that. it sounds cliche the way it is.but its how I want it to be.

You are so dissonant. Really.

I just can’t put my finger on it but I know there’s something wrong. When I’m at fault, nothing seems to fall into place. But when its your turn, everything seems to be justified.

***I feel that somewhere in these lines, something has changed. And though the waves are bringing you some place blur, I’ll console myself with the thought that this is something really quintessential for whatever that’s bound to happen.

Last night, I looked back at my old self
my old weary and pretentious self
Traces of emptiness constantly flashed,
cold and longing

I always pretend I have someone with me
When in fact I only had faces,
Faces drawn in the sand, at the edge of my sea
Never really had someone I could call mine,

And then there was you…
Thought you’ll just be another face
But you turned out to be my fate

Basking under the sweet and rosy sunshine
I lace my fingers around yours
Seeing you smile makes my day complete

Warm air fills my lungs
as your breath touches mine
No longer feeling cold
as your embraces become my refuge
No need for pretending because now
my heart finally found its abode
I look up in the sky
as I utter a short prayer of gratitude.

I made a crucial mistake which was very detrimental for my future.

Again, this time, I could only blame myself.

I try to think of ways to alleviate the pain I feel but still it haunts within.

I wish to make time stand still.

I wish for Santa to grant me this one favor.

Time is of the essence they say.

But I turned a half-blind eye to what I must do.

For every caution I was in stark deafness.

And now I must pay for my resilience.

Again I feel my frays of hope slip away.

I try to push these shadows away.

Mocking me in silence they stand ashore.

I enjoyed the smug comfort of the blurry I was once in

And now everything will be utterly affected.

Disenchanted and perplexed I wish for some cure.

What I thought will be mine is now a but a distant dream.

Utter frustration…

Passive impetuousness…

Disoriented melancholy…

Annihilating silence.

My heart has never palpitated like that before. I was so angry. So overwhelmed with fury over the injustice I’ve witnessed. I don’t know where I summoned the courage to approach the perpetrator but all I know is that I stood up when nobody else dared to do so. I made a decision to contradict instead of blindly conforming.

A certain guard from Starbucks in makati named Roberto Mañao from Superstar Security Agency provoked this in me.

Me and three of my colleagues

pa-post naman po ulit.

madaming ala-ala ang nakasadlak sa nanakaw kong phone. tsk tsk

haaayyy… =(

Una kong inisip ay paano magkakaroon ulit ng cellphone pero sa kasamaang palad, inilantad ng aking pagninilay na malabong magka cellphone ako sa madaling panahon.

haaayyyy ulit….

Madaming bagay tumatakbo sa isip ko nitong mga nagdaan. Ngunit wala naman akong naabot na konklusyon o paglalagom.

Nababagot ako at naliligalig paminsan-minsan. Di ko naman alam kung bakit.

Marahil dulot ito ng kawalan ng mahaba-habang panahong pansarili at ng ika nga nila ay "social layp".

haaaayyyy na naman….

hhmmmmm. paulit ulit tinutugtog ang kanta ni Toni Gonzaga sa kabilang kuarto. Sinasabayan pa ng kasama ko sa trabaho. Waaaahhhh

—–

d-_-b

Ayoko. Wala akong masabi. Ang hungkag ng pakiramdam.

Sana nasosolusyunan na rin lang ng concert ni Beyonce ang nararamdaman ko.

Ang sarap sabunutan ang sarili.

"In routine, there is complacency. And in complacency there is insatiability."

Nabubulok na kaisipan.

Nabibingi sa ingay ng mga sigaw na sa aking isipan lamang nananahan.

Di matukoy na pagnanais.

Kaloobang di-mapanatag.

"In options and variety lies the difficulty of decision."

Ayoko na. Wala akong masabi. Ke me bumasa nito o wala, wala akong pakialam.

Nais kong magtago sa mundong kinsadlakan. Kung saan maskara ay di dapat isuot.

pagtakbo ng walang pinatutunguhan ay tunay nga namang nakakahapo.

I lost my phone and my ATM yesterday. Well actually it was stolen.

My phone which was the product of my savings and my ATM which contains a portion of my salary. My hard earned salary.

You just can’t trust anyone nowadays. Even those who appear to be harmless like a family eating dinner in a restaurant could just be a pack of haenas lurking, prowling…waiting for their chance to grab you by the throat.

If this is just a wicked twist of fate or a hush of mischevous trick, I am sure I am not the one who finds it funny.

I got hit by a piece of metal along the highway of tagaytay and then this tragedy.

If by slim glimpse of hope this could turn out to be beneficial for me, I do hope that sunshine find its way to me quickly for my thread is really thinning.

I am just downright pissed-off.

$%#$@%)__)*$%*&(*

fawk.

maraming salamat at maraming pagpupugay para kay egay, the genius. dahil sa kanya e naharass ako sa persweek ko sa trabaho. nakulong ng 7 hours sa bus at 8 hours binyahe ang makati to cavite. di nakapasok sa unang sabado ko at nasaksihan ang karagatan sa cavite. enjoy.enjoy.enjoy.

eniweis.magpugay tayo at ako ay nagLOA na sa paggiging bum. isa na akong ganap na obrero.yehey! kaso ako’y di suportado ng aking pamilya. *sniff

pinanuod ko ang "A Love Story" ni aga mulach, et. al. dahil sa pamimilit ng isang makulit na nilalang. natuwa naman ako sa kabila ng pagluha ng mga ibang manunuod. *hahahaha patunay na bang kinapitan ng talaba ang aking kaisipan ng hindi ko mapredict na si angelica ang tunay na asawa? (ooops.spoiler alert)

yehehehey! holiday ngayon at kami ay may pasok. buti na lang pwede i-access anf friendster at least for today. ahahaha

nanaginip ako ng maraming-maraming sapatos nung isang gabi. haaayyy panaginip na lamang ba?!

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here is a quote na nais ko i-send sa iba pang mga kumare na nabubulag ng sobrang pagmamahal:

"don’t waste ur time on sumone who doesn’t appreciate u the way u should be appreciated. don’t ever settle for mediocrity…for being just an option…for being the one who’s just fun to be with…for being hte one who’s always there desperately waiting. For mere concern or pity, for someone who like u just because s/he knows s/he’s got the power to break u.don’t settle because deep down u know who u are and u know without a doubt that u deserve better if not the best.

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ika nga ni maricel soriano sa movie, di nmn lahat ng nakakapagpasaya sa atin ay tama. sa huli, sundin  kung ano ang tama. maaring masakit ito ngunit mapapasaya pa rin tayo nito ultimately. xempre pa rephrased na ito. harharhar

*nuff said! =)

I miss a lot of things recently. Two days ago I woke up from a dream and that dream included all of my blockmates and we were in our Philo class. Funny how my subconscious works.

I experienced a lot of drawbacks lately and if not for this someone keeping me sane, I might have fallen apart…again.

I miss attending classes. I miss rushing from Taft to UP to catch up on my 7am class. I miss trudging the same old familiar hallways with a bunch of readings on one hand and either a celphone or a cheap 10 peso-drink on the other. I miss being surrounded by the familiar comfort of security where the unknown and the future are so passe. I miss the long chats of hte absurd and the non-sense, I miss the wide smiles I frequently encountered and the I.D. checks that welcomed me.

I long to be surrounded by the same sweet fray that held me. And the air that filled my lungs. I miss your embrace and the late night walks.

I miss myself…when I was still me.