janini’s lair

First day or work after the Christmas "break"… And its raining…

Feels to sleepy to go to work wherein all day long I’ll stare at the monitor and luckily get some admin works to do. Not that I’m complaining, I could actually make use of this to rest from months of hitting several deployments for recruitment. I just thought that we’re all forced to be here, using company resources of course, yet deep inside most of us want us to stay with our dear loved-ones. Yuletide season is still around and for some reason, influences some people to think of things the will usually avoid to think.

This morning, again with those thoughts. Just realized that I’ve already been here for 4 months. Quite short but feels like I’ve been here longer. Must have been the Saturdays. In any case, conflict of interests dwells within. It’s so hard to decide when you’re really left with nothing. I’m praying for divine intervention. If not today, mayber tomorrow.

Again I’m trying to convince myself that it’s just the holiday season causing these thoughts to resurface.. ‘Cause there is still 2 months to go. 2 months of hitting the floor and banging my head on the wall. 2 months of the never-ending patinteros. Hmmmm…

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Sometimes everbody seems to be speaking in a foreign language or something. It feels so ill to be in such a crossroad. There are avenues waiting but I’m not equipped. Or I may just seem to think so. Need I be cautious or should I just take the risk?

And sometimes, I just want to have things that are a little out of my league. Its an irony that even in our dreams, status-quo could still influence us. Its inescapable. Its forever lurking.

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The world sometimes makes me want to scream. Scream in terror and angst. Scream because its so unfair and oppressive.

But I don’t have to do that because when I hit the sack, I need only one reason to continue.

No matter how flustered or troubled I may feel..

No matter how confusing the world gets or how crazy others appear. I only need one reason to stand-up and get back on track. Ü

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***an axiom refers to a sentence or proposition that is not proved or demonstrated and is considered as self-evident or as an initial necessary consensus for a theory building or acceptation. Therefore, it is taken for granted as true, and serves as a starting point for deducing and inferencing other (theory dependent) truths.

Reference: http://www.reference.com/browse/wiki/Axiom

"Stop making promises when you’re just gonna break them anyway."

yes.it could be plainly and simply stated like that. it sounds cliche the way it is.but its how I want it to be.

Though I thought you’ll be different, to err is human and so I forgave you. Once, twice and so on..But I reached my point of exhaustion. You’re on your own now, because you’re old enough to decide for yourself.

Is it too much to ask?

So I’ll just leave the issue because I’m really tired  meddling with it. How You break your promises is one thing that really pains me. I’ll just stay here and wait that you realize what needs to be done.

Stop.

Because there are some things that should not be tackled anymore. For it just impedes what should be done.

Because your just causing the hour to burn without any resolution.

"Practice what you preach."

yes.it could be plainly and simply stated like that. it sounds cliche the way it is.but its how I want it to be.

You are so dissonant. Really.

I just can’t put my finger on it but I know there’s something wrong. When I’m at fault, nothing seems to fall into place. But when its your turn, everything seems to be justified.

***I feel that somewhere in these lines, something has changed. And though the waves are bringing you some place blur, I’ll console myself with the thought that this is something really quintessential for whatever that’s bound to happen.

Last night, I looked back at my old self
my old weary and pretentious self
Traces of emptiness constantly flashed,
cold and longing

I always pretend I have someone with me
When in fact I only had faces,
Faces drawn in the sand, at the edge of my sea
Never really had someone I could call mine,

And then there was you…
Thought you’ll just be another face
But you turned out to be my fate

Basking under the sweet and rosy sunshine
I lace my fingers around yours
Seeing you smile makes my day complete

Warm air fills my lungs
as your breath touches mine
No longer feeling cold
as your embraces become my refuge
No need for pretending because now
my heart finally found its abode
I look up in the sky
as I utter a short prayer of gratitude.

I made a crucial mistake which was very detrimental for my future.

Again, this time, I could only blame myself.

I try to think of ways to alleviate the pain I feel but still it haunts within.

I wish to make time stand still.

I wish for Santa to grant me this one favor.

Time is of the essence they say.

But I turned a half-blind eye to what I must do.

For every caution I was in stark deafness.

And now I must pay for my resilience.

Again I feel my frays of hope slip away.

I try to push these shadows away.

Mocking me in silence they stand ashore.

I enjoyed the smug comfort of the blurry I was once in

And now everything will be utterly affected.

Disenchanted and perplexed I wish for some cure.

What I thought will be mine is now a but a distant dream.

Utter frustration…

Passive impetuousness…

Disoriented melancholy…

Annihilating silence.