janini’s lair

Yesterday, as I was lazily watching clouds from my window…I remembered that familiar scent of the strawberry eraser mom bought me when I was in grade 2. It reminded me of how I will no longer be a part of the influx of student customers who will rage the bookstores for last minute school supplies shopping.

Of course, this entry will also be a part of the tons of whining and rambling and ranting about the bliss-melancholy of graduation, the anxieties of job-hunting and the inevitable stress of being in the transition of this stream called ‘change’.

So how will I keep you reading my post? How will I keep that blaze of interest in you burn with fervour and intensity?

To be honest, I don’t know… As my life went by during my almost 20 years of existence…I appeared too concerned about how I appear to others yet made no conscious effort to please these so-called others.

So just read if u still wan to. ^^,

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Once, I felt that I am lonesome amidst a crowd…Now I feel like a part of this buzzling crowd; yet my soul yearns to go back to what I was before.

I guess that in every sense, I can no longer go back to the same river twice. No matter how I try, what I am now is a part of what brought me here. My choices are unindependent of the influences which molded me. Thus I cannot call myself free.. Point is, I know I am not alone in feeling all these woes of transition… I am aware that this is just a phase and that there are more things I should be thankful for. Life is a matter of perspective…or so they say. It could also be that life is a matter of what social circle you belong to.

Man cannot operate outside from this circle. His genetic pool ‘choosed’ the most basic of his characterisitcs. For one, he cannot even choose his IQ and race. So what is the point in pretending that we all have choices in whichever path we go to? That what we will ultimately become, lies in our free will…its plain bulls**it.

I could no longer decipher how that strawberry scent influenced me to be a little nostalgic and melodramatic…perhaps its the tons of influences around me or it could be my hormones…Nevertheless I am just glad that I am still afloat. I drowned once. Several times. Years ago. Its hard to pretend that somebody did care to attend to my rescue. But it doesn’t matter anymore. I am just glad that I transcended it and that I promise not to let it happen again.

So in conclusion (really trying hard to think of something essential to say here), though I can no longer go back to what I considered as the golden age before…where I snuggled in the comfort of my innocence and ignorance…when I was still a full-fleged passive sponge…I could say that its still better to be here…now.

(Or am I just rationalizing things out?)

I could not say I’m better…but my choices and aspirations have indeed grown. I moved forward. Man cannot remain placid and stagnant in one state. He is born to move forward. Strawberry erasers could be symbolic of the past he yearns for yet there comes a time he must seek for the real strawberries to make his life more fruitful. Talk about pig happiness VS Socrates dissapointment.

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In doing the right things we move forward (AL Gore), somethings the hardest thing is the right thing (The Fray). Go figure.

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’nuff said!

This entry was posted on Tuesday, April 3rd, 2007 at 8:31 pm and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.