janini’s lair

waahh…only got 2 weeks to complete my data gathering… *sniff sniff… =’(

am pretending to enjoy this sem break but I just cant

undas pa nexweek. sabog2 na ang data gathering kow

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for a change…I felt the sudden rush of being industrious yesterday. I cleaned the cr, pati ref., nagluto at naghugas ng plato. harharhar…

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"am missing u but I just can’t let it show..

ur somebody important but I just end up cheating…

burn me if u want.

burn me for being so unfair…

punish me. because that’s what I deserve…

but please don’t leave me..

can’t seem to imagine me without you"

                                                 - quote galore

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Sometimes, love is not enough

Sometimes, it takes more than love to make a relationship work

There are times when love will not be enough to keep two people together

When this happens, don’t fret too much.

instead, be contented that love occured to you

be happy with the thought that it may not work now because now is not the time

what’s essential is that love occured

you’re life found meaning.

something that everybody aspires to find but only some are lucky to have.

                                                                                — thoughts i bed

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hapi halowin! harharhar

Im floating…

need to do something here…

argk! thesis lurks.

bakit kinailangan pang magsem break ng mga elem.schools dis week? y oh y!?

sometime amidst the chaos I will see the light. that thought keeps me breathing.

You quenched my fiery passion

You turned my dreams into reality

You became the refuge I longed for

Yet now you’re beginning to shatter evrything

I’m trapped within the walls of our ’solace’

I seek for you but thou are gone

I bessech for your warmth but your coldness froze me.

CATHARSIS:

Ampanget ng araw na ito…hindi ko natagpuan ang thesis adviser ko (well in fairness hindi ko nmn xa naabisuhan bfore so okay lang, its my fault)

pati ung prof na dapat kong ikokonsult as an expert for my thesis…ampanget panget talaga… my appointment kasi ako sa kanya e tas ang sbi ng sec. Nya nakalimutan daw at umuwi na! Halloooor!!! aarghh! Un lang mga un ang ipinunta ko d2 from Cavite

Dear God, help me accept the things I cannot change… T-T

what should I do now…gwabe! In situations like this people has the ultimate choice to choose what their reaction’s gonna be… and I choose not to be deeply disturb para di maapektuhan mga interpersonal relationships koh…kaya eto. Ang dakila kong blog ang tampulan.haaaaaaaaayyyyyyyy…….

DESENSITIZATION:

uhhhhmmmmmmm.. dapat akong magdesensitize mula sa pagkakahumaling ko…

Naggiging dysfunctional na ang mga bagay-bagay…. hindi man ito katanggap-tanggap, I just cannot afford to be clingy…I don’t want to be walking wounded.

Your words are not enough…

I’m left hanging at the edge of this cliff…

I pushed further and further but when I looked beside me,

I saw that you stopped midway…

No amount of promises could cure this torment

It’s best to part ways, for our irreconcilable differences

are causing the wounds to gnaw deeper.

Let’s stop and see what has gone wrong

I want you to realize my worth…

For I am not your sacrificial lamb…

I am worth more than you fleeting attention.

I am not someone you just fit into your ‘to-do’ list.

I’m not gonna be someone you turn to when you

don’t have anything else to do…

It pains me to see that you depart from me.

It breaks my heart to realize that I am the last among your priorities

Heaven’s raining on me but the water

can no longer wash away my sorrows.

My tears hath not up well and it just scathe me more.

I’m bleeding on the inside, it’s tearing me apart.

I’m faltering but you’re not there to catch me…

You see me falling but you end up blaming

I need you to care.

I need to feel the warmth of your embrace.

I long to see the love in your eyes.

Help me here my dear…I’m in turmoil and I’m confused.

What has gone wrong between us…

For I just can’t put my finger on it…

You let me ride on this snowball…now I’m alone and

it’s taking me adrift…

Amidst the placid anonymity of my austere sorrows,

I wallow in the waters of my bleak solitude.

This abysmal curse is plaguing my solace—I see

my gradually squandering refuge atop our

shaky foundations.

I am taken too far to go back.

I look forward but you’re not there..nobody’s there to hold me.

My crying spells are knocking…nights of endless mourning are nearing.

In this cyclical twist of fate, I stumble and I fall…

HE caused moments of elation…

Of the blushes my cheeks elucidated…

Of the hundreds of butterflies which fluttered in my stomach…

Caused my eyes to sparkle…of nights turning into morning, just talking…

In essence…was the very light who brightened my days…

…

Yet he caused the very agony…the very turmoil…

The upwelling of tears…

Of nights of endless torment…

…

Which makes me wonder…is he still the same man?

Or has my love turned him stone?

I need somebody who will baby me forever…

I want somebody who’s for keeps…

I long for that person who I could call mine…

Somebody who will always be there beside me even if I don’t need him…

Someone who will mumur ‘I love you’, will word the phrase ‘I’m sorry’ without thinking twice; somebody who will adjust and change without even believing in the essence of doing so–all because he wants me to stay…

A certain someone who will compromise, who will not tire of me, who will not lessen his efforts but instead will grow better…sweeter everyday…

Somebody who will not increase his efforts only if he sense that there’s competition around…

Someone who will treasure me…will not make me wait, will not make me suffer beyond the comprehensible…who will treat me with utmost respect and undying passion…

(For a certain someone who reside in utopia…)      

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You take the life out of me…

I chased time, time chased me.

I’m worried about my mo. She’s sick. Confined sya now sa Makati Med. hope everything will be okay. the bills are ballooning…and so are my woes…

Di ko pa maasikaso thesis ko, I need two experts (preferably psych, socio or anthro field) or anyone who conducted a research along the lines of gender, gender roles, gender socialization, parenting and/or child rearing.

May hindi pa ako napa-pass sa mga classmates ko. Wah sori. Sad part is two weeks ko na syang tapos, ngarag lang talaga. HUHUHU  ;’(

And ofcourse, my final exams pa ko…

Ang masaya dito ay ang final spice ng buhay ko who is my brother. He’s 6 years senior but I could have gotten a ten-month old baby instead. Atleast I wqill not expect. Ngarag na kaming lahat sa bahay pero sya parang wala lang.,..considering how he made ourlives a living hell…plus the fact that my mom was the only person in the bunch who treated him well…he could have atleast thought of returning the favor by doing things like visiting her while she’s confined or preparing meals for my younger sister or like doing basic household chores or the simple task of overlooking my grandma and/or making sure that the everything’s secure pag gabi na…hay.tino.

distressful. hehe… I just tend to carry it lightly, or so I think.

suxal suxal ng buhay ko kanina…depression galore in the morning! nyahahaha… at xempwe as always, samu’t sari ang mga dahilan….

1. masaya ang buhay mula pa kahapon, haayyy…and it could all revert back to milenyo–my favorite storm of the year. aun, kahapon e bumalik ako for qnair collection fero dahil madaming pasaway sa mundo anadamee kong kulang. as een. gwabe talaga. hainaqu. sana tubuan ng kulugo sa armpit ung mahigit 70 na hindi nagbalik. cnayang nila ang pagod at pera ko. nihao! dahil ke milenyo e napurnada ang aking 1st collexon, ewan ko na kung anung mangyayari sa buhay tisis ko neto. xetty.

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2. kahapon din ay naghanap ako ng mga experts dahil required ako ng aking beloved thesis adviser. aun I thought everything will be okay pero ung 1 may sakit, ung isa naman e nasa Bangkok, Thailand. Napaka "warm" ng mga taong tanungan sa UPD. Gwabe, papagawan ko sila ng monumento…monumento ng kamalditahan! AGrK!!!

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3. So bottom line, nag-axaya ako ng time, muni and enerjee kahapon. hainaqu ulet!

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aun, tudei naman e dapat me clas ako ng 7am, nag-alarm ako ng fon, aun nagtaka lang ako ng mabanaag ko ang sunny sunshine ng umaga…xitty, it was already 6am! garkhg!

at dahil namu2roblema ako sa thesis na purnada at dapt pasahan ng proposal, at gayundin sa subject kokanina, natraian ko c nanay,,,aun,,,away galore. pero sya lang nang-aaway.la akong panahon mang-away kanina..nagwowori pa ako sa 1 celfone na angluluko at may mga confidential materials pero pag nalamn ng aking ama na naccra na e ako ang mapuputukan.wahaw.

at dahil umagang-umaga e para akong iwinawasiwas sa apoy ng karimlan, aun.humiga na lang ako, nag-wallo sa feelings at nakinig ng classical music.yeBAH!

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Mga lagpas 1 hr din akong ganun, tas nagtext ang mga butihin kong blockmates, di pala pumasok c pwof (hihi), tas pagbaba ko nag-cool down na c madir, pero xempwe wula pa din akong thesis at sira pa din c fone. hay.

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eto ngayun, blog2 muna bago magpanggap na gumagawa ng cram-of-the-century masterpiece.hekhek…hoping that at the end of the day the liquor will wash ol my woes away. hekhek… in feirness alam ng mga magulang na ang aking patutunguhan mamaya paglatag ng kadiliman.hahaha

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Catharsis Galore:

Hindi ko alam kung anu sumapi sa aking kagabi at naisipan akong lumayo…lumayo mula sa pasakit.wula namang nagtrigger.napagod na alang talaga cguro ako dahil sa madaming contradictories. conflicts. echus. wula nmang "iba"…I’m just sick and tired of the very idea na ganito na lang lagi…gipit at dapat mag-adjust lague… Im just experiencing the tension of opposites (as Morrie coined it) wherein I realized that the very things I thought I will experience when I enter something like this e hindi ko naman nararanasan…plus the very idea na ako lang talaga ang nag-aadjust at nag-lelevel off is sickening…I maybe hard to please, very demanding and high-financed but all of those things reside in oblivion…I was able to strip them away to stay…Y can’t you do the same???

You claim that you only change and adjust if you believe in the essence of doing so, but hey, I was able to change and adjusteven without thinkingif I believe in it…just to compromise..just to stay…

In any case…if I force myself to believe that this is a fleeting experience, then everything will be tolerable…

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There are days so dark, not even the brightest of sunshine could light it up…every light just seems to be absorbed by the eternal nothingness…