janini’s lair

Im not suicidal nor depressed today anymore, just a little broke…with financial matters because of the approaching weekend.

There are lots of final exams that will happen during the next 2 weeks or so but the point stoll remaons that I am somewhat happy because at least my Prof. already allowed me to take the exams I missed!

plus I just finished my term paper and though it was due last Monday Im ! still happy because I like the finiched output. Hooray! For tomorrow’s the end of the current sem!

I missed my departmental exams yesterday in socio 114. My friends saw how depressed and crushed I was. It was one of the deepest and darkest days of my life. My professor dismissed my excuse of illness. She told anne that my excuse was unreasonable. Marbie told me that it was indeed unreasonable. It just added to the ordeal I was experiencing. Up to now, there are still no concrete solutions on what’s going to happen… It just really frustrates me. Because aside from suffering for days because of that stupid constipation occurence, I missed my exam in which I prepared somehow, I also was not able to submit my term paper on time. The emotional turmoil reached farther, I just cannot seem to pull myself together to finish my paper although it was due yesterday. I cannot even force myself to review for tomorrow’s exams (same prof.) although there are TONS of stuffs to read!

I do not want to go home either because my parents knew what transpired and they were not really happy about it.

Im just pissed you know. Im so tired, with all these toxicity in school, plus your parents putting so much pressure upon you to graduate…I just cant take it anymore. I dont know what’s wrong but I just cant stand the thought of my classmates–all smiling–because they were not going through the same problems.

note: my professor do not give special exams, a matter I just learned this morning.

Yesterday, as I was in the bathroom, I stared long and hard at the shaver. I thought what would happen if I just stop everything right there and then? I guess I really am a coward for I cant even summon the ccourage to end everything…

aaahhh! buti at namove ung deadlines namin sa term paper and case study, kaso may mga reports pa eh. Anyway thankful na rin ako, as of now nga lang kanina ko pa pinipigil wiwi ko kaci pag nag-out ako magastos sa bayad… basta … aun na un. d naman maxadong aggravated and emotions ko now kaso nape-pressure lang ako sa kaiisip kung pano tatapusin yung case study ko, aun… kasi naman ung mga baby pics ko e, nangawala na… yung iba sobrang d pwedeng tanggalin kasi nga masisira na sila, tapos wala na yung mga negatives, sana talaga matapos na tong sem na to at lahat ng mga ipapasa matapos ko na rin..

i dont know kung karma ito o anuman pero kararating ko pa lang d2 sa taft! to think na 7am ang aking klase! ya! dont blame this me or else I woke at around 4:30 am, I left at 5:30 thinking na kaya kong makarating in 1 1/2 hours which is good dati coz mabilis ang byahe from cavite to mla. pag a.m. and thank whoever fuck did this to me (uhm, maybe its the fuckin’ weather) gosh, sobrang kanina ko pa nirerepress ung anger ko! d ko nga alam kung pano to ilalabas, pano po 5 1/2 hours ako sa bus! pota tlaga! parang nag express ako sa Bagiuo nito ah!!!!! fuck po talaga! to think ulit na around 8:30 am tinext ako ng mahal na sanggre (raini) asking me kung asan ako, at nasa Imus pa lang ako about 1/4 of the way to school! grabe talaga, the worst traffic Ive ever experienced in my entire 18 years of living in this hell they call world! Bukod sa nasayang na yung time ko na mas malalaan ko sa mas productive na bagay, na-miss ko pa ang isa sa mga impt. day sa class namin, as in, di ko nga alam kung i-aalow ako ni ma’am na itake ung mga psych. tests sa pm class nya pero sana naman pumayag sya. kahit un na lang ang magandang mangyari sa buhay ko for this day! Lord pls naman po!

naisip ko na ngang bumaba sa SM Bacoor at magpasundo kay tatay or magapahatid gamit ung motor, pero baha! as in akoy nagulat bumabaha sa cavite pero hindi sa taft! my goodness its the end of the world na! I am so pissed with what just happened that I cant think of anything to do but to pour my angst out! usually, pag my fuck na nangyayari sa life ko, I trace everything back to the cause and then I’ll think of something para masolve ung prob but this time…..ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!

Lord bakit po kaya nangyari ito? How can this be to my advantage? Ive made plans yesterday to maximize the little time that’s left to me before my acad. deadlines!!!!!!!!!!! DAMN!!!!!!

AND THEN AROUND 10 (PATAPOS NA UNG CLASS) E NASA bACOOR PA LANG AKO SOBRA NA TLAGA!!!!! tapos tinext ako ni marbi, hintayin ko raw xa, at wag akong aalis sa school!? a gudlak naman sa akin, kung may load lang ako….

naisip ko na ring makitxt sa katabi kong stranger sa bus pero nahiya naman ako dahil maya’t maya ginagamit nya ung fone nya… nagwarning pa c kuya driver, bumaba na raw kmi or else sobrang mababadtrip lang kami (more or less eto cnab nya d ko kc maxado marinig) tapos tom naman may field work kami sa class pano na ito!!!! may book pa ko sa Dil. na overdue na!!!!! at may dapat pa kong hagilapin na interviewee na high SES…. bad trip talaga to the max!!!!!!!!!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

NI HINDI MAN LANG TUMAWAG OR NAGTXT C TATAY KUNG MUSTA NA KO SINCE BALITANG BALITA SA NEWS NA BAHA!!!!

i think ds is the fault of my dad, I txted him several times yesterday begging for some cash since I decided to sleep sa dorm nya (d xa dun matutulog) dahil naubos allowance ko sa kakatype ng assignment/paper ko, d xa nagrereply! kamalasmalasan nmn at ninak na nung SMART provider ko ung 3 pesos na natitra sa load ko (y do they keep on doing that? d p nmn expiration ng load mo nanakaawan k n ng load?!) so aun, uwi ako dasma hoping na 6pm ako makakauwi dahil 4pm ako umalis aun! 30 mins ako sa taft, all in all 7pm ako nakauwi!!!!

Grogeng groge na nga ako nun, tapos pag uwi ko ako pa sisisihin, I dont make plans daw kaya naubos pera ko, at pinatay pa nya si celfone dahil daw sa boss nya! FUCK! what’s d use of having a fone kung pagdating sa emergency d k maasahan ng anak mo? tinanong ko yan sa kanya at ang sabi nya, "…ah, e di mamatay ka na lang." no joke here, fuck talaga! so aun kahit na gumising pa ako ng maaga, fuck rin pala ang aabutan ko dahil sa lecheng traffic sa cavite!

PESTENG LOW PRESSURE AREA YAN!!!!

WAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

NAWAWALA ANG CALENDAR-ORGANIZER KO NG PAPELMEROTI! BINILI KO UN NUNG JAN. PA! NO BA, OF ALL TIMES PARA MAWALA XA! NOW PA ANDUN LAHAT NG GAGAWIN AT BABATIIN AND OTHERS KOHHHHHH!!!!!!

IF FOUND, PLS RETURN TO ME POH!!!!

bakit ba d makasend ng emails ang 4 kong mail account sa yahoo!!!!!!!!   aaarghhhh!!!!! d p nmn ako familiar sa ibang providers….. paksyet tlg pag ‘illiterate’ ka sa pc e!!!

tapos palagi pang nag eexpire ung page kapag inoopen ko ung account ko!!!! haleerrrr tlg, e hindi nmn over ang chorva koh!!!!

at may bomb threat pa daw sa up mla?!!!! musta nmn noh! dilapidated na nga ang mga buldings ng CAS e may ganun pang factor? musta nmn tlg!!!! kau mga ‘bombers’ kau,wala kau sa timing kung kelan may ipapacheck ako sa isa kong subject saka may ganitong drama! isa pa, tapos na ung class namin nung malaman ko ung news, and my rumor pa na masususpend ung class!?

ano ba itech!? last mon nga patapos na rin ung 3rd class ko  (out of 4) nung masusupend ang klase eh! musta tlg at nagkukumahog akong mahabol ang mga chorvalung deadlines!AUN!

ISA PA ULIT! kailangan ko ng 10parents with son/s ages 2-12 ulit,plus case study,plus reports, plus exams, plus analysis of study, plus 10 interviewees for my psych 171 class ulit…

hay buhay… wala pa kong makitang valuable info d2 sa sinisearch ko sa search engine ng yahoo at google….

Sobra na talaga, I really cant grasp my up pipz… they are so toxic and so freakin’ possessive… its like they want to manipulate and control me errr… duh…

Kaasar po dahil marai pa kong deadlines and I know wala akong time to do other things … sobra na… tapos wala pang pakisama as in… my mga nang iwan pa sa kin ng d ko alam man lang dahil umalis sila ng walang sabisabi.

Plus eto pang report ko sa wed class ko namiss ko ung report ko during that day pero nagcontribute naman ako dun, what worries me most is that baka d i-credit ni ma’am ung contribution ko…sana wag naman.Gusto ko na magdorm, sana ma-afford na namin…sana rin payagan na yung isa kong friend ng parents nya…AGGGGGGGGG!

melancholic ang dating noh?

yup naaasar kc ako today, ibang level ng asar ito, un bang tipo na alam mong wala ka talagang laban sa mga pipol? un ganun na nga, for one, nalipasan na ako ng gutom dito sa pagtatype ko, may assignment pa kong dapat na inuuna kaso biglaang may inpinapagawa sa org. e aun… para dun sa mga nakakakilala sa akin, alam niyo na un…

ang toxic talaga, I got tons of fuckin’ deadlines to meet in two weeks time but wala pa kong nasisimulan ni-1 no kidding!!!! that’s y sobrang amazed ako sa mga klasm8 ko na nasimulan na or natapos na ung mga deadlines namin gdahil Im sure I couldnt afford to sacrifice several things like tv or sleeping … dahil , ewan,, , kahit sabihin pa ng ibang tao na nasa sa kin din un… hindi rin noh! Ive read this certain book where I learned that I must allow myself to be a little crazier from time to time and to ask myself the question: "am I happy?". Because as Karen Horney proposed, conflict arises out of the incongruence between the ideal and the real self, I guess I just dont wanna end up like others whose superego ruled themselves or at least, have had internalized their parents’ wishes. So that they think they’re doing what they really want when in fact hindi nmn pla, superego lang pla nila un (yeah , I have a (particular person in mind ryt now).

What the heck, ang dami kong sinasabi baka d mo rin to nagegets dahil sa difference natin sa phenomenal world… aun, gudlak tlg sa akin dahil na-qualify ako together with anne sa quiz bee  ng course namin (!). u myt say kaya ko yun dahil all about my course un, kso … basta… gudlak na lang…