janini’s lair

ang ganda ganda! kung bigla mo maisipan na gusto mo matulog sa sine ito panuorin mo. talk about false advertisement. nakikita mo ba yang poster na yan? aba…at talagang walang ganyang scene sa movie. movies like this, you come to imagine. you watch to dream. to pretend as if these things exist.

it was such a failure. more of like a shame to yourself that you got fooled.

taena yung mga iniexpect mong special effects at focus sa powers nila e wala. BORING! parang nanuod ka lang ng teledrama. e d sana d na ko nagbayad pang sine. nanuod na lang ako ng tv sa bahay. kahit yung movie buddy ko nakatulog na. at dahil nanhihinayang ako sa pera, idinilat ko pa din mga mata ko gang matapos yung “movie”.

bobong script. bobong director. waste of money kumbaga.

okay na sana yung train of thought sa plot. mejo okay na din yung ITSURA  ng casting, again itsura lang ha. tae ang bobo ng character ng bida. ma p push ka talagang mainis. tae ulit.

My reflection on broken glasses seemed to paint who I really am

I am multi-faceted and I am imperfect…

Yet parts of me are created in excellence.

I am screwed and twisted and for some unknown reasons,

Some people see something I cannot see.

I am beyond repair but I am self-healing.

I don’t need someone to fix me.

Because I have someone above who will heal me.

I am weak and I falter. But I have strength I could summon when I pray.

I am a swarm of contradictions. I have broken parts but the fit just perfectly.

I am molded in a way no one will fully comprehend. I am like everyone else but different in more ways.

Broken glasses could hurt but I am not afraid.

They will hurt for a while yet stepping on them is a part that will make me whole again.

For some things have to falter first before they emancipate themselves.

as requested.  (^^,)

we introduce ourselves into the world as some sort of an organism with a certain role to play or to portray.

we make sure we are noticed…even with the very intention of not being noticed, of being detached we try to disappear so much that the world notices us to our very own inconvenience.

we commodify ourselves and that is the truth. dwelling within ourselves, left caught within a labyrinth of thoughts and myriad of words…suddenly struck in the mayhem of complications.

we market ourselves up to a certain extent. we fall prey (or prey upon) individuals whose likeness or likeability is somehow similar with what we possess. we have a certain idea of our own value. once sold we think that it should end there but the human hunger is insatiable.

rules are created to mellow it down but in all actuality, we make ourselves sold just to make ourselves more valuable. making ourselves available only to the highest bidder and in this sense, life becomes an auction. a stage for seemingly fair-minded individuals who are “in” it for the game.

something which you call attachment is a very dangerous thing.

one moment you’re blissful, next thing you know, you’re in waste land.

over tons and tons of moments shared together, trust is something that shouldn’t shatter in this relationship. and for u to build trust, integrity is the key.

chances are always chances. a promise is another thing. chances are sweet if they are cherished and respected. broken promises don’t make it so.

lies are lies no matter how u look at it. perspectivism doesn’t always seem to apply when u want it to be the case. lying while straightly looking at your eyes is the most deceiving thing that could poison what you have established.

it’s hard to see that you are again approaching another dead end. but I guess that it’s a thousand times better than wallowing in misery and turning a blind eye.

sometimes, the only one who really care about yourself is yourself. the only one who could look after your welfare is the one that stares back at you when you face the mirror. and the best starting point would be to know your worth.

the process of unlearning is the hardest process there is to learn. and in such process, detaching what was attached could never be so easy.

I am not sure where to begin…for I just found myself n the same spot where I was in more than a year ago when I was still grieving.
Tears well up but I’m just too stubborn to let them go…
A heart shouting from pain is still a heart drenched in blood.

Where could I have gone wrong to face the same misery.
Still the same words…still the same feelings…
Its hard to be lost in a damp cold world.
Yet its a thousand times worse to be lost within yourself.

For I could pretend no more…and I could feign no longer.
These tears betrayed me as my smile fades.
For when I looked back I saw the same alley.
Dark and cold, I frustratedly set forward.

I think this is good bye. This is so not a good time to be floating anymore but I am really terrified of facing reality. I hate feeling anxious and uncertain. It just sucks life out of me. I don’t want to risk things right now because I’m on thin ice. What’s worse was that after my attempts, after having that faint thread of hope, I’m still going to fall and drop everything I’ve strived for. It really feels like I’m going in circle since day one.

Though its not healthy to wallow in bitterness and remorse, I can no longer push myself outside of this fence I’m in. Somebody must be having a really good time while I’m here. That’s the law of balance, because if not then everything’s just fucked-off.

I may have been presumptuous. Otherwise none of these would have happened. I failed to see the larger picture and so I’m paying the price of my ignorance. Again, this is no time to float and waddle freely. I’m already done with that.

I feel resentful of not being more cautious. It should have been smooth. My plan should have been more thought of. It should have been fault proof. By wanting more, I fall short. By desiring things too early, things go downhill.

Now I will miss the things I once have, several months ago when I was doing what I really wanted. Now I would pass by and feel that tinge of bitterness with pangs of regret. It could have been more, but now I’m left with none.

the lies and the arguments all make me sick

so that the bleeding will stop

for now I am facing a wall of confusion

so just stop lying

so that I’ll stop feeling hurt

so that I could still keep a better memory of you

love love brandon. haha enjoyed watching them last Sunday. If it only were possible to catch their every gig. (sighs) ;p

_______________________________________________

Watched 300 yesterday in vcd. I misjudged it before as some screwed-up film but I reverse my stand. Though it is really different because it’s 3D, the content was substantial.

"Only the hard and the strong remains. Only the hard. Only the strong."

____________________________________________________

Feels like its time to move forward. Should bid farewell now before everything goes astray. Thanks for the learnings and the laughter. It was a great jumpstarter with you guys around.

But hey, it shouldn’t sound like everything’s final here.

_______________________________________________

I am down broke. Hahaha! But still I’ll just continue as planned. Didn’t receive anything from last payday to cover my two-week leave. Oh well.

I feel emancipated. I’ll just keep my fingers crossed and wish for the best. Feels so alive to live at the edge. No certainty. No assurance. No consolations. Just a bright-eyed girl with her chin up wallowing across jaded prairies. Ü

__________________________________________________

Plethora of choices obscures one’s vision. Over thinking deters decision-making.

"Haayy! Andaming makakapal na orocan sa paligid! My Gaaaddd!"

- eto lang talaga masasabi ko sa mga bagong pangyayari sa buhay ko. hahaha

- well it was such a learning experience for me anyway. You’ll never know who your real friends are unless you get yourself in a fawked-up situation.

- The stigma, the connivance, the lies! hahahaha

- Loads of gratitude for those who remained true (to our friendship) even when I was ill. Truely, I will never forget you guys. Your fruits of good karma are waiting. Ü

_ And to those putrid, loathesome, horrible fellows out there…the chameleons…I couldn’t say more. Just wait for your toll.

- And to this gruesome witch, my everdearest nematode, I’m very excited to see that day when I could flush you out. So that you could finally be in bliss with your kind. You really think that I do have an attitude problem? Well look around you B**ch, everybody hates you. You don’t have any real friends here. You are not worthy of your position. You’re a huge pretender and I don’t wanna meddle with your kind. You’re just downright pathetic. Someday, you will suffer what you did to me ten fold!

I fell so badly. I fell head first.

We’ve turned into porcupines who just can’t touch each other.

‘Cause porcupines, like hedgehogs, just hurt each other when they get close.

I’m missing you and I long to be with you.

Yet no matter what I do, and no matter what I say I end up tearing us apart.

Our challenges are growing every day and I remain confused.

I’m still lost in this maze looking for answers.

I pray for daylight to enlighten our paths.

I wish for dusts not to follow our stars anymore.

And while I stand here I’ll keep on praying…

hoping that one day our stars will be together.